How good is this? Pelican-news exclusive.

 

 

“Alternative facts” scoop:
DISGRACED FORMER PM BORN AGAIN AS PERTH CAFE SOCIETY KINGPIN

Our Perth correspondent was recently much-surprised, when walking up West Perth’s Havelock Street, en route to Kings Park.

On the east side of the street, gleaming in the winter sun, were the generously-planted/landscaped surrounds of WA’s Parliamentary Precinct.

They are reflected in the immaculately cleaned glass facade of the cafe opposite, on the corner of Havelock St and Ord St.

Scotty is, according to “reliable saucers”, the cafe’s owner and manager.

He has “solved” the staffing shortage problem which has generally afflicted Perth’s cafes, pubs and restaurants.

Scotty is also the barista who is also the cook who is also the waiter who is also the cleaner and window-cleaner who is also the accountant..but please don’t tell anyone – it’s a miracle!

Apparently, many more punters used to buy his offerings, but now forsake them.

Punters have complained of “false promises”, that “everything was overcooked”, “the aftertaste was unpleasant”,  that cabinet contents were “almost always underwhelming, sometimes rotten, usually all tasted the same”. and that “the smug bastard at the counter never stopped smirking and wouldn’t ever give you a straight answer”.

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A few “non-alternative”, actual probabilities and facts:

No former PM has anything whatsoever to do with this cafe, which looks and smells like a pleasant, still-popular, and apolitical establishment.

Western Australia occupies 33 percent of the Australian continent.

In the 2020-21 financial year WA accounted for 17.5% of Australia’s GDP and for nearly 50% of the nation’s export income.

Perth is Australia’s fourth largest city.

Circa 11% of Australia’s resident humans reside in WA.

During his Prime Ministership Scott Morrison entirely absented himself, physically, from Western Australia for 537 consecutive days – a whiskerette shy of one and a half years!

He broke this “Prime Ministerial drought” in April 2021.

Only during the 2022 election campaign – when it had became obvious that WA was no longer a “sure thing” for the Coalition – did Morrison suddenly become a frequent visitor to WA.

Until then, Hawaiians had seen more of Australia’s PM, in person, than had West Australians.

Sydneysiders tend to regard West Australians as “parochial”.

Pre-pandemic, 57% of Australians had a valid passport.

I cannot find any “breakdown” of the national figure, but I would be prepared to bet that, if the statistics do exist, they would show that West Australian residents are rather more likely to have valid passports – and to use them in any given, recent year – than are New South Wales residents.